My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
…or something like that.
Keep honking while I reload.
If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better
I love cats … they taste just like chicken.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car …
Tow-ers will be violated.
Montana - At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I’ll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
My karma ran over my dogma.
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted: Telepathy … you know where to apply.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Born again pagan.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ax me about Ebonics
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
CATS: The other white meat
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged
Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is
lost.
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi… Oooh! Donuts!
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now
I’m an imbecile and I vote
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
CAUTION: I drive just like you!
If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings.”
Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
It’s Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
“Please Tell Your Pants It’s Not Polite To Point.”
Don’t Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
If you drink, don’t park–accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
If at first you don’t succeed…blame someone else and seek
counseling.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God……Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar, But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name.
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Boldly going nowhere
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive
My last post, that is. The housewarming party last night was complete success - and here are the pictures.
